Sunday Stories – Set-Apart Living Pt. 2

New Blog Schedule

Introduction

Last time on Sunday Stories, we talked about set-apart living and what it is and is not. This week’s focus will be on how we can go about a set-apart life practically. It does us no good to know what something means if we don’t also know how to utilize what we know, so this second piece is an indispensable part of the discussion.

What Does Set-Apart Living Mean Practically?

Set-apart living is going to look a little different in practicality for each of us. For me, God has nudged me to eliminate certain books that are likely to contain content of an impure nature and to spend more time listening to or reading biographies and autobiographies of Christians who did live a set-apart life to Christ. The reading content I have removed led only to temptations to sully my mind and soul, which should be an inner sanctuary for my Savior. However subtle the impurity and however “clean” the immorality’s nature is compared to the worst the world can offer, books that are heavy in this content or that are focused on it present the encouragement to sin. So, as Scripture says to lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily besets us, God drew me to eliminating the temptation. But He didn’t just draw me toward eliminating the temptation and then leave that space a vacuum that could be filled with other temptations. Instead, He drew me to filling that extra space in my reading time with Christian autobiographies and biographies that could encourage me in my walk with Him instead of tearing me down. Furthermore, He has also convicted me of things I spend too much time doing, even though they aren’t bad, and that has led to placing limitations on my writing time. I only write two hours a day, at most, instead of writing every spare moment. This leaves me with time to focus on His word and prayer as well as time to spend with those who can help encourage me in my walk with Him.

For you, it might be the same, but it’s highly likely that it’s something else. Maybe it’s a friendship that doesn’t point you closer to Christ. Maybe it’s cutting back on social activities to ensure you can make Him a priority. For every individual, it’s a little different, but the outflow of those changes is the same: a clearly set-apart, different life that reflects the nature of the One we are walking closely with.

Signposts of a Set-Apart Life

As a natural outflow of the changes in our focus, attitude, and hearts, our lives will begin to show clear differences from the world. As Romans 8:7-10 says, the spirit and the flesh are in enmity. They cannot coexist. Those who live in the Spirit, set-apart to God, display the qualities of their Master, Christ. They exude an unusual peace, joy, and confidence. They aren’t perfect, but they seem to have an inner radiance that is unexplained by any worldly lifestyle or standard. 

Another sign of a set-apart life that, though the person is not living in sin or in anything worthy of reproach, they are still ridiculed. For example, young people who choose to honor God and their future spouse by staying pure physically and emotionally are mocked, and these days, it isn’t just the world that does the mocking. It can even be people within the church who should have been supporting and guiding, not discouraging and rebuking. If you take a strong view on sin? You’re seen as being intolerant. Refuse to abide bad language, crude jokes, and inappropriate behavior, you’re a prude or a goody-two-shoes. 

Choosing to live the right way out of genuine love for our Lord will give us an inner loveliness, but the world doesn’t value that sort of beauty and so, as a whole, will deride, dismiss, and detest it in others because it brings conviction and uncomfortability simply by existing and refusing to take part in the unholy activities of the world or by giving up behaviors and things that pull us away from God.

The Character of a Set-Apart Life

But a set-apart life is also characterized by a spirit of meekness and love. One who is walking in the Spirit and living holy before God is one who adorns the Gospel of Christ and makes it lovely. This means that, even when we must tell someone they are doing wrong according to the Scripture, we do it in a way that is tempered with grace and love. A set-apart Christian is one God is teaching daily to approach those around them with gracious truth. 

Those who are living in Christ may at times have to take a firm stand against sin (in fact, it is inevitable that this will happen). But when they do so, the attitude in which they do it will be markedly different from those who are following a list of rules. There will be not only Bible behind what they say but also a spirit of humility. At times, the truth must be stated bluntly. As Proverbs says, there is a time to answer the fool according to his foolishness. But most of the time, in dealing with the world around us, harshness under the guise of being blunt is the MO of Christians who have the right doctrine but are not approaching those erring from that doctrine or those truths in a humble, love-centered mindset.

On the flip side, there are those who sacrifice the truth because they would prefer not to offend in the name of “love”. A set-apart Christian is prone to one or the other of these areas as much as any Christian, but their lives will reflect the balance Christ had in His approach to people. At times, a stern rebuke may be called for so long as it is done from a heart of humility and concern for God’s glory as well as for that person. But at other times, a stern rebuke would do more damage than good, and a soft answer is necessary. Only the life that is walking in step with Christ will reflect the balanced approach needed to respond to both individuals and situations in a Christ-like manner.

The Conversation of a Set Apart Life

Often, though we may face social disdain and ridicule from society, I have found in my life that when I am walking close to God and focusing on Him, it comes out in my conversations with unbelievers in a way that results not in scorn but instead in either bewilderment or appreciation. This isn’t because I’m somehow finding a magical formula for approaching others. It’s simply because when I’m walking close to God and my mind is focused on God, my view of people is aligned with His view of people. He died for sinners, and I am talking to sinners (whether saved or not). Should my actions not reflect the same love of Christ that was both meek and lion-hearted at the same time? Should my discussions with non-believers not reflect His firm remark to the woman at the well regarding her sin but also His gentleness with the sinners He came to save?

More often than not, it is those who are religious and have become puffed up in their own perceived righteousness that are most critical and cruel to those living in sin or even in some perceived “error”, and they, like the Pharisees, must be firmly rebuked.

But those who are un-believers? I have often received the comment that I was “not what they expected” or that even though I stand for my beliefs and am firm on the Bible, I am “more open-minded than most conservative Christians”. They define conservative Christians as harsh, unfeeling, uncaring, and prideful. At times I have been all of those things, and I know this response from any unbeliever I may come into contact with is through no merit of my own. In and of myself, I can be exactly what they believe all conservative Christians are: unduly judgmental, harsh, critical, and unloving in the way I present the truth. I naturally lean toward the side that is inclined to look at those living lives not in line with Scripture and to turn my nose up at them. But God has shown me a better way and has patiently worked on me (and still is working on me) to develop His purity, holiness, and loveliness in me and in the way that I interact with people. 

The God-Given Encouragement in Living a Set Apart Life

My point in saying this is to simply encourage you that though the world’s system will mock you and many individuals may also do so, there will be those in your workplace, your school, and your neighborhood that take notice when God is shaping your words, actions, and attitudes. And they will not only take notice, but they will appreciate it. They will be more willing to ask you to pray for them and for those they care about. They will understand that somehow, you are an individual that is close to Him. They censor their behavior too, in many cases. 

I’ve seen this time and time again in my life and that of others. Many of the people I know refrain from swearing around me because they’ve noticed that I don’t swear. A few weeks to a month ago, my coworkers and I were discussing the issues with the virus, and I mentioned that if you’re feeling ill and have symptoms, you should get tested. I stated that I’d been ill over one weekend and had gone to get tested because I didn’t know what was causing the issue.

I felt better the next day (and didn’t have the virus, as it turned out), but I went anyway just in case. My boss remarked that many people my age can’t tell the difference between being hungover, allergies, and actually having the virus. But she followed it up by saying, “Of course, we know your problem isn’t going to be a hangover.”

They knew that to be true because of looking at how I talk, dress, act, and live my life. They knew that because of my stance on the Bible, I wouldn’t do certain things, and drinking is one of them because I don’t want to open any door for Satan to gain a foothold through insobriety and drunkenness. My hope is that all of those in my life see Christ in me and that with each passing day, the image of my Lord and Savior grows clearer. But if I’m not living a set-apart life, that will not be true of me.

The Power to Live a Set Apart Life

Of course, we wouldn’t fully cover the topic if we didn’t take a moment here at the end to focus on where the power to do this comes from. It can never come from us because in and of ourselves we are unholy, unlovely, and thoroughly sin-stained creatures. Instead, the power to live the kind of set-apart life that honors God comes from living in Him and in His power.

It comes from walking closely with Him and from going to him for strength every day whether we are struggling with any given temptation or not. It comes from our relationship with our King and Heavenly Father, not from within ourselves. It comes from listening closely to the voice of the Holy Spirit as He does His work to guide us through God’s Word and through the conscience that God has given each and every one of us.

The moment that we allow any hint of pride to creep in and begin to believe that we have the strength in ourselves to achieve this set-apart life of purity and holiness is the moment that we lose the battle. Our greatest enemy is our own flesh in so many instances, and the only way we can combat it is if we’re living out our position in Christ.

Conclusion

A set-apart life isn’t easy. There must be sacrifices to live in step with a holy God. While our salvation is secured by grace through faith and can never be lost no matter how heinous the sin (See 1 & 2 Corinthians for an example), our fellowship and friendship with God can be broken if we clutter our lives with unholy things, idols of any shape or form, sin of any sort, or so much busyness that God is pushed off to only when we can “make time” for Him.

But as much as a holy life isn’t easy, the worth of it is beyond measure. It’s worth any cost. If you’ve been on the fence on the matter of set-apart living, I encourage you to take the first steps toward it. Spend some time in serious prayer asking God to show you what He would have you to remove or to add, and ask Him to soften your heart toward Him. This soul-searching should be coupled with His Word to shine a spotlight on your soul and any areas of your heart and life that need cleansing.

If there are things you already know need to go, get rid of them and put down some boundaries in those areas that will help you to ensure you don’t let those things creep back in. A holy, set-apart life is of immeasurable value. Don’t let it pass you by because you bought into the lies of an unholy, ungodly culture around you.

The War of Independence and the Civil War: Parallels

Ariel Paiement

Introduction

The topic of the American Revolution, the Civil War, and rebellion have all become rapidly circulated issues in today’s culture with everything going on. People would like us to believe that the American Revolution and the Civil War are miles apart, that rebellion is a good thing, and that the only reason the Civil War happened was because slavery. But are any these things true? That’s what we’re going to explore today as we dive deep into history and take a look at the facts on both the major wars fought on our soil, the parallels between the two, and the issues surrounding both.

The Matter of Jurisdiction and Rebellion

Before we can get into the parallels between the two wars and the issues pointed out in the introduction, we have to go over the topic of jurisdiction and authority and define rebellion. Too many Americans (and people in general) don’t understand this, but if you don’t understand these issues, then you can’t really understand anything that’s going to follow in this discussion, nor are you fully able to comprehend the intent of the Founding Fathers or our Constitution.

Hence, we see a breakdown of American ideals and society, and we see an increase in the numbers of people who want to liken seizure of city blocks by a mob to the American Revolution. We hear more and more comparisons of riots to our country’s founding or to the Civil War, and while there may be some argument for this on the grounds of the second war in that we haven’t in all the time that has passed managed to improve our attitudes since it occurred, the argument for the first is baseless due to these principles.

So what is jurisdiction? Jurisdiction is the realm of authority afforded to each sphere of life. The spheres of life are family, government, and church. (I know many non-Christians would argue me on this point, but I can get into why the Christian viewpoint is the one that we must reason from on matters of morality–which rebellion is–in order to have any validity at some other point. This is not the point or the forum for it.) Within those spheres of life, certain realms of authority have been given by the Creator, who is above all earthly authorities.

For example, the government has no authority to regulate how you teach or raise your children (with the exception of certain scenarios such as clear abuse of a child, which requires a higher authority to step in and help). They overstep these bounds all the time in modern day society, but the Bible is clear that within the home, it is the responsibility of the parents to teach, raise, and train children in the way they should go. They are wards of the parents, not the states.

Likewise, the church has no authority to tell the government to run the country, and the government has no God-given authority to force the church to worship or not worship in a prescribed way. Oh, they can arrest those who choose to worship in a way that goes against state wishes, as they do in China, but they have no authority to tell Christians not to worship God because we answer to a higher authority, that being God, and we are to obey God’s laws rather than man’s if there is a conflict between the two. So while there will be persecution and consequences for doing the right thing, we do it anyway because the highest authority of all, from whom all other authorities derive their power, commands our loyalty.

Why does this matter? Because there are clear dictates to jurisdiction. In many cultures, authority figures have chosen not to bind themselves by their own laws. Western civilization is unique in this regards because there is a contract between us and our rulers that states our rulers must abide by our laws just as much as we must. This gives us recourse when they break their end of the contract. Understanding this is essential if you’re going to understand either the American Revolution or the Civil War. But we’ll get to that in a few.

Western Civilization and the Contract of Authority

As I said earlier, Western civilization is unique because there is a stated contract between our rulers and we the people that they will do A, B, and C in exchange for us doing D, E, and F. That’s the whole basis of our Constitution. It is an agreement by our rulers with us that all of us will abide by the rules, whatever those may be, and that no one is above those laws. When a ruler steps outside of the bounds of authority established in that contract, they are in violation of the agreement and are no longer exercising rightful authority.

In the case of a country without this sort of contract, then whatever the authorities do, with the exception of choosing to try to stamp out God’s church and His worship, is rightful authority as they have given no such promise to their people to abide by any given set of rules. Therefore, though they may do many, many heinous things, any uprising on the part of their people would be, in fact, a rebellion and therefore unacceptable on the part of any Christian who is following the Scripture. This doesn’t mean Christians won’t disobey a law if it requires them to break God’s laws, which are higher than any civil law on Earth, but it does mean they will have no part in fighting a war against the authorities and will accept whatever punishment accompanies their decision to obey God rather than man.

So how are the American Revolution and the Civil War not rebellions? Because of two very important documents and what they said. Let’s start with the document that gave the American Revolution the status of a war of self-defense, not a war of rebellion.

The Magna Carta

The Magna Carta was a document that laid the foundation for the entire system of British law. It was agreed to in June of 1215 and was an agreement between King John of England and the nobles representing the English people, who were at the time revolting, at least in some areas. It established some basic liberties and the agreement that not even the king was above the English law.

This important document along with the individual charters that colonies had with England formed the backbone of the American Revolution. During the years leading up to the American Revolution, the king was ignoring both the Magna Carta and the individual charters established with the colonies. Had the colonists been in England, their rights as English citizens would never have been so blatantly disregarded, and so they wrote letter after letter and sent representatives to plead with the king and Parliament to hold their part of the deal in all cases, not just in the instances where it benefited them.

King George III and Adding Fuel to Fire

Instead of addressing the concerns, which would have kept the peace and kept the colonies as part of Britain, the king and Parliament ignored them. They continued to pick and choose when to follow their own laws, thereby invalidating the contract by which they held authority. Since they wouldn’t honor their own agreement, it became invalid, and the colonies sent the Declaration of Independence. In a nutshell, that declaration was saying, “You won’t follow your own laws, you won’t treat us like citizens, and so we declare that we do not recognize your wrongful authority nor are we going to continue behaving as if we are citizens when you do not view us as such.” Obviously, the language was much prettier when Jefferson wrote it, but the point was the same.

Essentially, as King George III continued to add fuel to the fire, the colonies finally seceded from Britain. We like to think of it as a grand rebellion for freedom, but it wasn’t. We declared our independence with no violence. After doing so, we appointed our own leaders as any new country would and we kicked out the ones who had invalidated their authority. Most of that was still not violent unless soldiers from Britain wouldn’t leave colonists’ homes, in which case the colonists defended themselves. But that was still self-defense, not rebellion, because Britain had invalidated its own authority and jurisdiction.

The war began when Britain decided to treat the colonies as rebels instead of ex-citizens. They attacked the newly formed coalition of colonies, and the forming country defended itself.

The Constitution

This document formed the backbone for the Civil War in more ways than one. The finalized and superior form of law after the Articles of Confederation we first tried failed, this important document regulated what could and could not be done legally in America. We continue to use it today, though more and more lawmakers try to twist it and often get away with doing so. But in the days leading up to the start of the Civil War, this had not yet begun.

Granted, there was major hypocrisy in how we applied the terms of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence’s statement on the matter of liberties for all men. We as a country had the ugly issue of slavery to deal with if we were to address the issue of hypocrisy that had become so ingrained in our nation by the time of the Civil War. Some illogical (and, if the Constitution were fully followed, illegal) compromises were made to deal with the tension between the two segments of the country–North and South–on this issue. But nonetheless, we had the Constitution, and it governed our laws underneath its umbrella.

Secession and the Constitution

How did this come into play during the Civil War? Prior to any shots being physically fired, segments of the South had already chosen to secede if Lincoln were elected. He won the election with not a single Southern state supporting him. While the hot button issue was slavery, it is worth noting that some states had a secessionist attitude over anything they felt stepped on their toes, not just slavery.

North Carolina, in particular, had been an issue for past Presidents even when no violations to the contract (the Constitution) between states. But regardless of the issues they were arguing over, the fact of it is that secession at that point remained an option. The Constitution did not forbid this right to the States, and so, even if their reasons for doing it were to preserve slavery, which they perceived as absolutely necessary to their existence, the South had the right to leave.

This in no way means that they were right for wanting to keep their slaves. That was a dark blot on the promises the Constitution made. It was inexcusable, wicked, and disgusting. It never should’ve happened, and the Founders had planned for it to fade out. When it didn’t, we ended up with a lot of unexpected problems, and sadly, our leaders on both sides didn’t deal with it in a way that was morally correct. Had they done so, they would’ve freed the slaves (indentured servants included in this since most were treated just as badly, sometimes worse, than slaves) and made sure that those individuals went through the process to become citizens like anyone else or were sent back to their countries of origin. Instead, they went to war over it before we even fired a shot in the Civil War, and the South developed a siege mindset long before a true war even erupted.

But, despite the poor decision-making, wrongful behavior on the parts of many individuals, and a sickening practice of enslaving fellow human beings, the States all had the right at that time to leave the Union. Legally, they should have been allowed to go.

Lincoln and Adding Fuel to the Fire

Lincoln’s election, through no fault of his own, added fuel to the fire. If he had stopped at that being the only thing he did to add fuel to the fire, then he would be blameless in this whole affair. Instead, he blatantly stated in his inaugural address that he was treating the newly-seceded states, which were to form the first part of the Confederation, as rebels. They were not, according to our Constitution, rebels. Thus, after Lincoln declared the Union would force them to return to and stay a part of the Union, the seceded states began preparing for war. They organized further militia forces beyond what was normal the individual States to maintain and prepared to be forced to defend their land and their choice to secede. More states joined them and the fledgling country as the months led up to the Civil War and Lincoln continued to throw fuel on the fire.

He refused to meet with any representatives of the new coalition of states, much like King George III had done, because he wouldn’t recognize them as their own country. He utterly refused to acknowledge their right to leave, regardless of the reason, and insisted on treating them as rebels as opposed to a new country trying to work out the issues between themselves and the neighboring country. Then he further added insult to injury by sending supply ships to a Union Fort in the middle of their territory without asking permission to pass through their borders. Had it been any other country or circumstance, this would have been considered unacceptable, and firing on the ship and fort would’ve been acceptable since the ship wasn’t declared or given permission to pass borders. Instead, Lincoln thought it was fine because he viewed them as rebellious states still in the Union, not as another nation. Why shouldn’t he be able to send his ship anywhere he pleased in his country, right?

To be fair, there were miscommunications on both sides in the issue of Fort Sumter, and those misunderstandings led to many of the issues that resulted in the fort being fired on, but Lincoln’s antagonistic, dismissive behaviors led to the boiling point, and the war began.

To be fair, there were miscommunications on both sides in the issue of Fort Sumter, and those misunderstandings led to many of the issues that resulted in the fort being fired on, but Lincoln’s antagonistic, dismissive behaviors led to the boiling point, and the war began.

Similarities between the American Revolution and the Civil War

Some of the similarities should already be readily apparent from our earlier discussion on jurisdiction, authority, and rebellion. But let’s go over them more clearly and state a few additional similarities that I have come across in the research I’ve done on the two wars.

Rebellions?

First off, neither was a rebellion. In fact, I would call both wars of self-defense, even if, in the case of the Civil War, the first shot fired was over a miscommunication. If you look at how both wars were fought, both were fought on the soil of the newly-independent country, predominantly or entirely. Neither of these wars’ defendants were interested in seizing territory from the other side as a policy. They simply wanted to leave quietly and be left alone to govern their own affairs.

Fought on the Defendant’s Soil

Most of the war in the case of the Civil War was fought in border states that had been split in half between North and South or in Southern territory. The Confederate States were utterly destroyed by the war and Lincoln’s determination to overrun them, run roughshod over their choice to leave, and force them to return to the Union. In the end, he succeeded, but he cost both countries enormous losses of life and cost the Confederacy a great deal of the infrastructure they did have. The war only further entrenched the siege mentality the Confederate States had and confirmed their worst fears that they wouldn’t be allowed to leave.

In the case of the American Revolution, it was fought entirely on American soil, and we fought, just as the Southerners did, to defend home and family. While the American Revolution didn’t have the cause of slavery added into the mix to make the war appear “unrighteous” on the part of those who seceded, it and the Civil War are similar in that the war only started when the new countries were threatened or outright attacked by the countries they seceded from.

Given this is the case, the American Revolution would be more accurately termed the American War of Self-Defense, and the Civil War would be more accurately termed the Confederate War of Self-Defense. After all, the American Revolution was not a revolution in the true definition of the word, nor was the Civil War a Civil War because it was between two countries, not one that was split. You can’t have a civil war if the war isn’t between citizens of the same country, and no matter how much Lincoln wanted to ignore the Constitution’s terms, the South had legally left and declared themselves no longer citizens of the Union, so it wasn’t a situation of citizens of the same country fighting.

Struggles Against Wrongful Authority

Since both wars were fought between countries who operated with the Western form of government, which involves contracts that both parties most follow to have authority or to be governed, both the colonies and the Confederate States were fighting against wrongful authority. As mentioned earlier, the colonies were fighting against a government that was not following its own contract and laws. The Confederate States ended up fighting a war against the Union because its leader and government chose not to honor their contract, which allowed the Confederate States to do what they had done and secede. In both cases, the governments that had previously governed them violated their contracts and therefore were exercising wrongful authority when the wars erupted. This directly leads back to the reasons why neither were, in fact, in rebellion.

Conclusion

To round out this history discussion, let’s go back to the beginning. The issues I proposed as questions were that the American Revolution and the Civil War are miles apart, that rebellion is a good thing, and that the Civil War was about slavery alone or predominantly. So looking over what we discussed, here are the facts.

  1. The American Revolution and the Civil War were in fact vastly similar. Both were wars of defense against wrongful authority, and both were fought in a mainly defensive manner, supporting their claims that they just wanted to leave in peace.
  2. Rebellion is never acceptable from a Christian worldview. Those who promote it are wrong to do so, and a Christian espousing a rebellion is doing so in direct violation of myriad commands to respect authority.
  3. The Civil War itself was not about slavery. The South seceded over slavery, but the war happened because the North broke away from the Constitution and treated them as rebels for leaving. Their cause for leaving? Entirely unjust, but legally allowable. Their cause for fighting the war? Entirely justified because the North had no right to disregard the usual courtesies expected for passage between nations and the parleys that would occur between both. So while there were certainly problems and hypocrisies in that time of our nation, the war itself was neither a civil war nor was it acceptable for Lincoln to decide to get us into a war because he wanted to force them to stay. That was the move of a dictator, just as King George III’s behavior was, not that of a ruler abiding by the laws he and the rest of his government agreed to be bound by through a contract with those around them. Had he treated them as an opposing country and tried to conquer them like Germany did to France or other countries through history have, he might’ve been given some leeway, but he didn’t, and so, while he might not have been a bad man personally, he was nonetheless a dictator who chose to ignore the rules he was required to operate under by law.

I know many people would argue with these conclusions, but facts are facts. While no situation is every fully black and white, particularly with wars, the facts that lead to us being able to declare something a rebellion or a war of self-defense are not. Those distinctions lie solely in facts and definitions, whether we like it or not. Though we shouldn’t disregard or marginalize the uglier sides of history or try to pretend they were justified, let us also avoid declaring those on the losing side entirely unjust in their defense of themselves or in declaring the winners justified simply because they have won. This is what we have done when it comes to our country’s history, and while it is commonly understood that the winners write the history books, we cannot be a people who disregards truth or fact in favor of emotion and perception simply because the latter is more favorable. To do so is to destroy our very foundations and ourselves, and this is exactly what we have chosen to do in modern society.

We have not improved or moved away from the very same attitudes that inspired the Civil War in modern society. There is still a desire on various sides of the issue to ignore history, ignore our country’s founding principles in favor of whichever flavor of hypocrisy we prefer, and to demonize the other side simply to support our own. If we wish to have another war where we split into two countries, this is the path to follow. But if we want to learn from history, avoid its same mistakes in present day, and finally move past what was done in the past, then we’re going to have to be honest about the facts. I hope today’s exploration into the background on these two wars has been informative and beneficial.

Sunday Stories: A Drastic Change

Ariel Paiement

Introduction

Today’s post will be a bit longer mainly because the time in my life I’m about to share with you was so significant and also stretched over a longer period. But I’ll do my best to keep things condensed as much as possible. Those of you who have been following this section of the blog probably remember that the first post in this newer section was about the lessons I learned from the situation with my Mom. You’ll probably remember that I had fallen into serious depression and addictive behavior patterns that created all kinds of issues.

My First Year in College

By the time I reached my first year in college, I was a mess. I’m sure that, to most, it looked like I had it all together. I doubt anyone would’ve looked at me and thought, that girl has serious trust issues, crippling depression, and addictive behavior patterns that will probably land her in a world of trouble. Of course, no one knew me well enough to see that. They may have known I was unhappy, if I let it show in public, but the closest anyone came to recognizing there was an issue was my mother, and that was only because we fought all the time.

By the time I got to college, my relationship with my mother was starting to mend but still tenuous, and I was harboring a massive load of resentment toward my dad for not being there for me when everything went wrong with my mom, but I didn’t even recognize that I resented him because I’d spent so long punishing myself and my mother, taking that resentment out on us both (but mostly on her) instead of the person I put on a pedestal and believed was too perfect to be blamed for anything.

None of us deserved anything that I’d been dishing out on us in that time. My father had done his best to be there for all of us while also being there for my mom and working. My mother tried her best after the fact to reconnect and give me back what I’d lost. And me? I was lost, drowning in the aftermath I didn’t know how to cope with and making it worse because I had zero self-confidence in facing my emotions.

I brought this with me to school, spending all but the last week or two of school without friends. No one stayed around for long, and in part, I think this was because I was searching for something no one around me at the time knew how to provide, something even I didn’t really know I was looking for or needed. 

The Beginnings of a Change

In the last two weeks of the semester, all of that changed. Not immediately, of course, but it started there and continued on from that point. The only person I’d managed to make any significant connection with (and the only person who cared enough to constantly introduce me to people) was an outgoing, sociable pastoral major. (I’ve chosen letters to represent the individuals I’m going to talk about to protect their privacy and identities.) Let’s call this guy D.

He introduced me to so many people during the few weeks at the beginning of our friendship that I’d begun to lose count. I was also fairly… Well, shy isn’t exactly the word. I was reserved and extremely cautious around guys due to some less than wonderful experiences during community college years. Nothing too bad, but just enough to make me distrusting and ill-inclined to let them get too close to start off. Which makes what happened at the end of that first semester even more startling.

I’ll never forget the night D asked me to meet him at the campus Sports Center to hang out and meet another friend of his (whom he said rarely left the dorms and was a double major in math and engineering). I don’t know what made me do it. Maybe it was that I was lonely and had nothing better to do. Maybe it was that I kind of liked D a bit at the time and thought any opportunity to see more sides of him was too good to pass up. My curiosity always has been what’s gotten me into the most trouble. Well, that and running my mouth too much. But whatever the reason, I agreed.

An Intriguing Individual

His friend was interesting. That’s the best way I can put it. I was more focused on the new guy I’d just met than I was on D, and I was also a lot more open than I usually was. We’d met to play a few games of checkers (it was the only game in the Sports Center that allowed for more than brief snatches of conversation between taking turns at a game or flying around the ice rink), and right away, D’s friend L made a point of letting me know he was just okay at checkers. I didn’t really believe him because, after all, it’s best not to underestimate an opponent, no matter what they say. Turns out that was a smart move. We played two games, each of us winning one, before we decided to head over to the commons area and just hang out to chat. 

By this time, I was really intrigued by L. He wasn’t what I expected (though, honestly, I have no clue what I was expecting…), and he had this way of seeing through people. The most interesting thing was watching as he and D took turns analyzing each other. They took the time to go through everything from how they knew what mood the other person was in to what they’d figured out about the person just based on their observations.

Then they drew me in. I didn’t know either of them well, and I’d only just met L, so an hour or two wasn’t much time to use to analyze. Lucky for me, I was bothering to pay attention because they’d grabbed my attention. So, I got involved in the conversation and offered them what I knew. The rest of the night passed in a bit of a blur, but by the time curfew rolled around, I was more comfortable with L than anyone else I’d met and known for weeks.

An Unexpected Question and an Unexpected Friend

The thing that really did it, though, was the question. He waited for D and another friend who had joined us in the Commons area to go before asking, something I didn’t think much about at the time but very much appreciated later. Then he asked me: Why do you always wear a mask? 

I remember standing there, my heart pounding. I wasn’t expecting the question, and not even friends I’d had for months ever asked that. Whether because they didn’t see it or because they felt it would be rude to ask, I don’t know. But L asked it as if it was the most natural question to ask a person you’d known for just a few hours.

I considered trying to regain the upper hand in the conversation by refusing to answer. It wasn’t long until curfew, so if I’d refused to answer, I could’ve bowed out politely. But I didn’t. I don’t know if he even noticed the pause or the internal struggle, but I calmed down not long after and just answered him. I actually felt relieved. When the first moment of fear and surprise passed, I didn’t feel anything except relief and, for some reason, a sense that I could trust him with the answer.

That night, if I’d refused to answer, I don’t know where our friendship would be. Maybe he would’ve decided it wasn’t worth trying to figure out what was wrong and why I spent my time hiding from everyone. Or, maybe the fact that I wouldn’t say would’ve made it him that much more curious. Either way, that night was the start of more than I ever would’ve imagined.

Gifts I Didn’t Know I wanted

After that, we spent a lot of time together. He was determined to help me face what I didn’t want to look at, and he was determined to engage me intellectually. I enjoyed the talks. Our earlier conversations were difficult because he was still learning how to approach me, how to handle the situation. But he kept trying, and while it took me some time (and some prodding from family and friends when his approach was doing more harm than good) to learn to communicate what I needed and what I didn’t like, we figured it out. The two of us become extremely close, and by God’s grace, I believe, he brought me out of the darkness I was living in and helped me to both find the light and understand myself better.

He gave me some of the greatest gifts I’d received in a very long time: a listening ear, unconditional love and acceptance, and the ability to feel safe not being in control. Those days we spent together at school were some of the brightest moments in my life despite the pain I sometimes had to face. But he was there with me every step of the way, offering his strength when I didn’t have any, giving his insight when I couldn’t understand the things I felt, and then letting go when he saw I was able to walk on my own. When I regained my footing, I was able to also offer him support and acceptance when he struggled, and the relationship became stronger for it. He was the protective older brother I’d never had and hadn’t ever admitted I wanted.

Refining Fire

As beautiful as those days were, what really made our relationship what it is today was the hardship that it went through. We parted ways at the end of spring semester after knowing each other for only a semester and a few weeks, and both us went home. We called and Skyped over the summer, but toward the end, something changed, and we talked less often. When I got back to school, more than a little had changed.

He was distant. When we’d parted, the two of us were so close that we were hardly ever apart. But when I came back, it felt as if some part of him had left. I did everything I could think of to fix it. I’m afraid I made it worse instead of better.

Neither of us did a good job of communicating the issue, and matters were only made worse by the fact that one or two of our close friends had begun to nag about whether or not we were an item. We weren’t, but some of those friends began to tell L that I was lying about how I really felt. Things between us got so bad that, if a mutual friend hadn’t intervened, we might’ve lost our friendship entirely. I didn’t want it, but my attempts to bridge the gap and fix things made him feel suffocated and pushed him away. 

He left that semester, right after we reconciled, and he never came back to school. For a while, we didn’t talk, and during the time that we weren’t really in touch while he was in boot camp and I busy with school, I got involved with a mutual friend. In all honesty, I felt lost after he left. He had helped me to embrace my emotions, my past, and the part of me that felt most content when someone else I trusted took control so I could just be me. With that gone, I didn’t know how to cope. The only person I felt comfortable sharing anything at all with was gone, and in my desperation to find solid ground again, I made some very foolish decisions. But those decisions and what they led to are a conversation for another day.

Reconnecting

We did reconnect the summer after he left right before school began, and it felt as if no time at all had passed. Both of us had things we were dealing with. He had new adjustments in life. I was navigating a messy breakup that had left me feeling more lost and terrified than ever. But God brought both of us through it. He and I got to talk each other through some of the tail end of those changes and difficulties, just as we’d done so often in previous difficulties.

But the distance and the struggles both were helpful. They prepared me to handle the breakup, at least in avoiding becoming bitter over how I was treated. I’d already learned how to deal with emotional pain inflicted, albeit by accident, by someone I loved. So when my ex inflicted it because he only cared about what he wanted, I navigated that without becoming angry or bitter. (It wasn’t much help when it came to watching my ex hurt mutual friends too, but something’s better than nothing!)

I learned so many things from this relationship, and I continue to learn things. I learned how to love someone with no regard for myself, how to communicate, that it was safe not to be in control so long as the person who had it was trustworthy, and so much more. L taught me so much about myself, about the world around me, about people, and about helping others.

The Most Important Things I’ve Learned

At one point, L told me that he felt I no longer needed him during that time of difficulty. He couldn’t understand why I would want him to stay back then. I don’t know if he understands it now. But however illogical it might have seemed, he at least accepts that I wanted him to stay. Sometimes, we have to remember that not everything in life makes logical sense. It would be nice if it did, but it doesn’t.

Our friendship has lasted four years so far, longer than any friendship I’ve had since I was a child. I don’t know where God will take us both next, but I do know this. We’ve learned a lot from each other and will continue to learn if the friendship continues on.

But the most important lesson I learned? God never brings anyone into our lives by mistake. Every relationship has its share of problems and struggles, but when God brings a person into your life, it’s always for a reason, and there’s always something you can learn. Never take for granted the people who love you or what they have to teach you. Conversely, never take lightly those who bring difficulty into life. They’re also there for a reason, and sometimes, even though they may bring pain, that pain is exactly what you need to grow and to heal.