Introduction
Today’s post will be a bit longer mainly because the time in my life I’m about to share with you was so significant and also stretched over a longer period. But I’ll do my best to keep things condensed as much as possible. Those of you who have been following this section of the blog probably remember that the first post in this newer section was about the lessons I learned from the situation with my Mom. You’ll probably remember that I had fallen into serious depression and addictive behavior patterns that created all kinds of issues.
My First Year in College
By the time I reached my first year in college, I was a mess. I’m sure that, to most, it looked like I had it all together. I doubt anyone would’ve looked at me and thought, that girl has serious trust issues, crippling depression, and addictive behavior patterns that will probably land her in a world of trouble. Of course, no one knew me well enough to see that. They may have known I was unhappy, if I let it show in public, but the closest anyone came to recognizing there was an issue was my mother, and that was only because we fought all the time.
By the time I got to college, my relationship with my mother was starting to mend but still tenuous, and I was harboring a massive load of resentment toward my dad for not being there for me when everything went wrong with my mom, but I didn’t even recognize that I resented him because I’d spent so long punishing myself and my mother, taking that resentment out on us both (but mostly on her) instead of the person I put on a pedestal and believed was too perfect to be blamed for anything.
None of us deserved anything that I’d been dishing out on us in that time. My father had done his best to be there for all of us while also being there for my mom and working. My mother tried her best after the fact to reconnect and give me back what I’d lost. And me? I was lost, drowning in the aftermath I didn’t know how to cope with and making it worse because I had zero self-confidence in facing my emotions.
I brought this with me to school, spending all but the last week or two of school without friends. No one stayed around for long, and in part, I think this was because I was searching for something no one around me at the time knew how to provide, something even I didn’t really know I was looking for or needed.
The Beginnings of a Change
In the last two weeks of the semester, all of that changed. Not immediately, of course, but it started there and continued on from that point. The only person I’d managed to make any significant connection with (and the only person who cared enough to constantly introduce me to people) was an outgoing, sociable pastoral major. (I’ve chosen letters to represent the individuals I’m going to talk about to protect their privacy and identities.) Let’s call this guy D.
He introduced me to so many people during the few weeks at the beginning of our friendship that I’d begun to lose count. I was also fairly… Well, shy isn’t exactly the word. I was reserved and extremely cautious around guys due to some less than wonderful experiences during community college years. Nothing too bad, but just enough to make me distrusting and ill-inclined to let them get too close to start off. Which makes what happened at the end of that first semester even more startling.
I’ll never forget the night D asked me to meet him at the campus Sports Center to hang out and meet another friend of his (whom he said rarely left the dorms and was a double major in math and engineering). I don’t know what made me do it. Maybe it was that I was lonely and had nothing better to do. Maybe it was that I kind of liked D a bit at the time and thought any opportunity to see more sides of him was too good to pass up. My curiosity always has been what’s gotten me into the most trouble. Well, that and running my mouth too much. But whatever the reason, I agreed.
An Intriguing Individual
His friend was interesting. That’s the best way I can put it. I was more focused on the new guy I’d just met than I was on D, and I was also a lot more open than I usually was. We’d met to play a few games of checkers (it was the only game in the Sports Center that allowed for more than brief snatches of conversation between taking turns at a game or flying around the ice rink), and right away, D’s friend L made a point of letting me know he was just okay at checkers. I didn’t really believe him because, after all, it’s best not to underestimate an opponent, no matter what they say. Turns out that was a smart move. We played two games, each of us winning one, before we decided to head over to the commons area and just hang out to chat.
By this time, I was really intrigued by L. He wasn’t what I expected (though, honestly, I have no clue what I was expecting…), and he had this way of seeing through people. The most interesting thing was watching as he and D took turns analyzing each other. They took the time to go through everything from how they knew what mood the other person was in to what they’d figured out about the person just based on their observations.
Then they drew me in. I didn’t know either of them well, and I’d only just met L, so an hour or two wasn’t much time to use to analyze. Lucky for me, I was bothering to pay attention because they’d grabbed my attention. So, I got involved in the conversation and offered them what I knew. The rest of the night passed in a bit of a blur, but by the time curfew rolled around, I was more comfortable with L than anyone else I’d met and known for weeks.
An Unexpected Question and an Unexpected Friend
The thing that really did it, though, was the question. He waited for D and another friend who had joined us in the Commons area to go before asking, something I didn’t think much about at the time but very much appreciated later. Then he asked me: Why do you always wear a mask?
I remember standing there, my heart pounding. I wasn’t expecting the question, and not even friends I’d had for months ever asked that. Whether because they didn’t see it or because they felt it would be rude to ask, I don’t know. But L asked it as if it was the most natural question to ask a person you’d known for just a few hours.
I considered trying to regain the upper hand in the conversation by refusing to answer. It wasn’t long until curfew, so if I’d refused to answer, I could’ve bowed out politely. But I didn’t. I don’t know if he even noticed the pause or the internal struggle, but I calmed down not long after and just answered him. I actually felt relieved. When the first moment of fear and surprise passed, I didn’t feel anything except relief and, for some reason, a sense that I could trust him with the answer.
That night, if I’d refused to answer, I don’t know where our friendship would be. Maybe he would’ve decided it wasn’t worth trying to figure out what was wrong and why I spent my time hiding from everyone. Or, maybe the fact that I wouldn’t say would’ve made it him that much more curious. Either way, that night was the start of more than I ever would’ve imagined.
Gifts I Didn’t Know I wanted
After that, we spent a lot of time together. He was determined to help me face what I didn’t want to look at, and he was determined to engage me intellectually. I enjoyed the talks. Our earlier conversations were difficult because he was still learning how to approach me, how to handle the situation. But he kept trying, and while it took me some time (and some prodding from family and friends when his approach was doing more harm than good) to learn to communicate what I needed and what I didn’t like, we figured it out. The two of us become extremely close, and by God’s grace, I believe, he brought me out of the darkness I was living in and helped me to both find the light and understand myself better.
He gave me some of the greatest gifts I’d received in a very long time: a listening ear, unconditional love and acceptance, and the ability to feel safe not being in control. Those days we spent together at school were some of the brightest moments in my life despite the pain I sometimes had to face. But he was there with me every step of the way, offering his strength when I didn’t have any, giving his insight when I couldn’t understand the things I felt, and then letting go when he saw I was able to walk on my own. When I regained my footing, I was able to also offer him support and acceptance when he struggled, and the relationship became stronger for it. He was the protective older brother I’d never had and hadn’t ever admitted I wanted.
Refining Fire
As beautiful as those days were, what really made our relationship what it is today was the hardship that it went through. We parted ways at the end of spring semester after knowing each other for only a semester and a few weeks, and both us went home. We called and Skyped over the summer, but toward the end, something changed, and we talked less often. When I got back to school, more than a little had changed.
He was distant. When we’d parted, the two of us were so close that we were hardly ever apart. But when I came back, it felt as if some part of him had left. I did everything I could think of to fix it. I’m afraid I made it worse instead of better.
Neither of us did a good job of communicating the issue, and matters were only made worse by the fact that one or two of our close friends had begun to nag about whether or not we were an item. We weren’t, but some of those friends began to tell L that I was lying about how I really felt. Things between us got so bad that, if a mutual friend hadn’t intervened, we might’ve lost our friendship entirely. I didn’t want it, but my attempts to bridge the gap and fix things made him feel suffocated and pushed him away.
He left that semester, right after we reconciled, and he never came back to school. For a while, we didn’t talk, and during the time that we weren’t really in touch while he was in boot camp and I busy with school, I got involved with a mutual friend. In all honesty, I felt lost after he left. He had helped me to embrace my emotions, my past, and the part of me that felt most content when someone else I trusted took control so I could just be me. With that gone, I didn’t know how to cope. The only person I felt comfortable sharing anything at all with was gone, and in my desperation to find solid ground again, I made some very foolish decisions. But those decisions and what they led to are a conversation for another day.
Reconnecting
We did reconnect the summer after he left right before school began, and it felt as if no time at all had passed. Both of us had things we were dealing with. He had new adjustments in life. I was navigating a messy breakup that had left me feeling more lost and terrified than ever. But God brought both of us through it. He and I got to talk each other through some of the tail end of those changes and difficulties, just as we’d done so often in previous difficulties.
But the distance and the struggles both were helpful. They prepared me to handle the breakup, at least in avoiding becoming bitter over how I was treated. I’d already learned how to deal with emotional pain inflicted, albeit by accident, by someone I loved. So when my ex inflicted it because he only cared about what he wanted, I navigated that without becoming angry or bitter. (It wasn’t much help when it came to watching my ex hurt mutual friends too, but something’s better than nothing!)
I learned so many things from this relationship, and I continue to learn things. I learned how to love someone with no regard for myself, how to communicate, that it was safe not to be in control so long as the person who had it was trustworthy, and so much more. L taught me so much about myself, about the world around me, about people, and about helping others.
The Most Important Things I’ve Learned
At one point, L told me that he felt I no longer needed him during that time of difficulty. He couldn’t understand why I would want him to stay back then. I don’t know if he understands it now. But however illogical it might have seemed, he at least accepts that I wanted him to stay. Sometimes, we have to remember that not everything in life makes logical sense. It would be nice if it did, but it doesn’t.
Our friendship has lasted four years so far, longer than any friendship I’ve had since I was a child. I don’t know where God will take us both next, but I do know this. We’ve learned a lot from each other and will continue to learn if the friendship continues on.
But the most important lesson I learned? God never brings anyone into our lives by mistake. Every relationship has its share of problems and struggles, but when God brings a person into your life, it’s always for a reason, and there’s always something you can learn. Never take for granted the people who love you or what they have to teach you. Conversely, never take lightly those who bring difficulty into life. They’re also there for a reason, and sometimes, even though they may bring pain, that pain is exactly what you need to grow and to heal.